You don't know yet, but I am nine weeks along a journey that will last the rest of my life.
While nine weeks seems like a blip in time, I've learned a lot during this brief amount of time... One: everyone has an opinion and story; and two; you don't have have to listen.
Why write a pregnancy blog if I believe this?
Because pregnancy isn't just a transformation, it can for some be an isolating experience, regardless of whether or not a person has a support system. Pregnancy as they say is an individual experience. No two women will experience the same thing and even if they share the same symptoms it can effect them in different ways.
In this blog I seek to understand this new and often confusing journey called pregnancy. I will attempt to answer poignant questions like, what the hell is happening? Is there a manual? Which fast-food chicken nuggets are the healthiest? And--will my baby be a dinosaur? (alas, we just found out baby is indeed human so no vegetarian long necks for us, darn!) More importantly, I will explore how having cerebral palsy and being pregnant affect my and my baby's lives.
Let's start at the beginning. Conception. Trying to conceive is a beast all on its own. I remember telling myself, "I'm going to play it cool, if pregnancy happens, it happens, if it doesn't, meh." Yeah, that worked for a month, maybe two, and then it became my sole focus. I naturally have an obsessive personality which didn't help the process. I changed my diet, exercised more, drank whole milk, drank less alcohol, meditated, started my prenatal vitamins, charted my ovulation cycle, and had my fiancee talk to my belly every night, which he did, never skipping a day.
I did these things because that's what articles on Google said and as we know Google is God.
None of these things worked. Then I broke down and bought an ovulation kit.
We were lucky. Very lucky. The first month we used the ovulation kit we found out we were expecting two weeks later. In fact, I found out I was pregnant by using an OPK test. There is a lot of debate about whether an OPK test can give an actual positive pregnancy result. I can attest to the fact that it can. The trick is waiting until a day or two before your missed cycle. If you use it earlier your HCG may not be high enough to detect pregnancy.1
For those who are curious I used Clearblue Digital Ovulation Test. I loved this test because it showed a smiley face when I was most fertile and when I was pregnant. Yay smiley faces!
When I think back to the earliest weeks of pregnancy I remember my fiancee hit the ground running. He even signed us up for expecting couples classes, meanwhile I was still processing the fact that I had a human being growing inside of me. Despite being thrilled, I couldn't help feeling this huge sense of responsibility pressing in on me. After the positive pregnancy test, Tom's first response was, "come here, give me a hug." My response? My mind was reeling. It felt like I was on a Tilt-O-Whirl.
All that hoping and trying and now all I felt was shock.
It was terrifying.
There were all of these things happening to my body that didn't make sense. Some women don't have pregnancy symptoms until their 2nd trimester. Me? I had symptoms as early as week three. My symptoms varied from benign to moderate to plain weird. Admittedly, I started to wonder if I made the right decision, which made me feel ungrateful and guilty. This is what I wanted, so what the hell was wrong with me? As the days passed, I wondered, how will my Palsy impact my pregnancy? What if I'm a terrible nurturer? Perhaps, we should have traveled first. What if I miscarry? Can we still be Gamers? What about my dream of opening a non-profit? Of finishing my book? Will Tom love me the same? Will I love him the same? What if I die? Sure, a couple of these might sound ridiculous, maybe even selfish, but knowing I was going to have to have a C-Section heightened anxiety and my fear of death.
Part of this fear stems from the knowledge that I have exactly what I've always dreamed of.
When I started dating my fiancee I knew I wanted to get married and have a child, which was funny because before we met I had already decided I didn't want to birth children. I wanted to foster. I was so convinced of this that a couple of times I considered getting an oblation, but never followed through with the idea.
I'm glad I didn't, but it would be okay if I had gone through with the oblation because there are so many ways to have a family. I have several people in my life who are not related to me by blood and I love them just as fiercely as my birth family. People I don't talk to as often or haven't seen in years are just as important to me as the people I see every other week. Love is powerful and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm not afraid to feel or express myself, not usually. Pregnancy has changed that a bit. Pregnancy culture is... interesting? Oppressive? That might be a bit harsh, but there is an underbelly to pregnancy culture that can make expecting parents clam up and bite their tongues. As a Disabled person I am used to practicing forced politeness when people compliment me for having a job, navigating the airport by myself, or telling me they'll pray for Jesus to cure me (Jesus likes me just fine, thanks). Sometimes I do say something because you can only be polite so long--so many times. A few weeks ago, I told a gentleman in the library who was telling me about Jesus' miraculous healing powers that I wouldn't accept a cure even if given a choice because I am exactly how God wanted me to be (also I wouldn't be nearly as cool). I have confidence with disability. A confidence I don't have with pregnancy, maybe because I am a new member. As expecting mothers especially, we are expected to be excited, happy, positive, and instantly connected to our baby. We are told motherhood will come naturally.
I call BS.
I raise my may hand to the air and say, "I am absolutely struggling with paranoia and anxiety, my first trimester was at times a nightmare (but I still loved my baby), and I have no idea which nipple cream to buy, so forget you pregnancy culture and your rapid judgment. I say it's okay be miserable, even bitter, and it is absolutely okay to be afraid and lost."
When I called the Women's Clinic to schedule my first prenatal visit I told the receptionist, "I'm pregnant and I don't know what I'm doing." The receptionist gave a soft chuckle and reassured me it was okay. Several weeks later, I think she's right. Being pregnant is still scary, but then I remember no one else knows what the heck they're doing either and that countless other women have done it before me. Countless other parents have felt just as unsure as I have. We're still fantastic individuals.
1 I still highly recommend using a legitimate pregnancy test, which we did following the OPK test. Everyone is different, so hormone levels will differ and results from an OPK test may not be accurate.↩
While nine weeks seems like a blip in time, I've learned a lot during this brief amount of time... One: everyone has an opinion and story; and two; you don't have have to listen.
Why write a pregnancy blog if I believe this?
Because pregnancy isn't just a transformation, it can for some be an isolating experience, regardless of whether or not a person has a support system. Pregnancy as they say is an individual experience. No two women will experience the same thing and even if they share the same symptoms it can effect them in different ways.
In this blog I seek to understand this new and often confusing journey called pregnancy. I will attempt to answer poignant questions like, what the hell is happening? Is there a manual? Which fast-food chicken nuggets are the healthiest? And--will my baby be a dinosaur? (alas, we just found out baby is indeed human so no vegetarian long necks for us, darn!) More importantly, I will explore how having cerebral palsy and being pregnant affect my and my baby's lives.
Let's start at the beginning. Conception. Trying to conceive is a beast all on its own. I remember telling myself, "I'm going to play it cool, if pregnancy happens, it happens, if it doesn't, meh." Yeah, that worked for a month, maybe two, and then it became my sole focus. I naturally have an obsessive personality which didn't help the process. I changed my diet, exercised more, drank whole milk, drank less alcohol, meditated, started my prenatal vitamins, charted my ovulation cycle, and had my fiancee talk to my belly every night, which he did, never skipping a day.
I did these things because that's what articles on Google said and as we know Google is God.
None of these things worked. Then I broke down and bought an ovulation kit.
We were lucky. Very lucky. The first month we used the ovulation kit we found out we were expecting two weeks later. In fact, I found out I was pregnant by using an OPK test. There is a lot of debate about whether an OPK test can give an actual positive pregnancy result. I can attest to the fact that it can. The trick is waiting until a day or two before your missed cycle. If you use it earlier your HCG may not be high enough to detect pregnancy.1
For those who are curious I used Clearblue Digital Ovulation Test. I loved this test because it showed a smiley face when I was most fertile and when I was pregnant. Yay smiley faces!
When I think back to the earliest weeks of pregnancy I remember my fiancee hit the ground running. He even signed us up for expecting couples classes, meanwhile I was still processing the fact that I had a human being growing inside of me. Despite being thrilled, I couldn't help feeling this huge sense of responsibility pressing in on me. After the positive pregnancy test, Tom's first response was, "come here, give me a hug." My response? My mind was reeling. It felt like I was on a Tilt-O-Whirl.
All that hoping and trying and now all I felt was shock.
It was terrifying.
There were all of these things happening to my body that didn't make sense. Some women don't have pregnancy symptoms until their 2nd trimester. Me? I had symptoms as early as week three. My symptoms varied from benign to moderate to plain weird. Admittedly, I started to wonder if I made the right decision, which made me feel ungrateful and guilty. This is what I wanted, so what the hell was wrong with me? As the days passed, I wondered, how will my Palsy impact my pregnancy? What if I'm a terrible nurturer? Perhaps, we should have traveled first. What if I miscarry? Can we still be Gamers? What about my dream of opening a non-profit? Of finishing my book? Will Tom love me the same? Will I love him the same? What if I die? Sure, a couple of these might sound ridiculous, maybe even selfish, but knowing I was going to have to have a C-Section heightened anxiety and my fear of death.
Part of this fear stems from the knowledge that I have exactly what I've always dreamed of.
When I started dating my fiancee I knew I wanted to get married and have a child, which was funny because before we met I had already decided I didn't want to birth children. I wanted to foster. I was so convinced of this that a couple of times I considered getting an oblation, but never followed through with the idea.
I'm glad I didn't, but it would be okay if I had gone through with the oblation because there are so many ways to have a family. I have several people in my life who are not related to me by blood and I love them just as fiercely as my birth family. People I don't talk to as often or haven't seen in years are just as important to me as the people I see every other week. Love is powerful and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm not afraid to feel or express myself, not usually. Pregnancy has changed that a bit. Pregnancy culture is... interesting? Oppressive? That might be a bit harsh, but there is an underbelly to pregnancy culture that can make expecting parents clam up and bite their tongues. As a Disabled person I am used to practicing forced politeness when people compliment me for having a job, navigating the airport by myself, or telling me they'll pray for Jesus to cure me (Jesus likes me just fine, thanks). Sometimes I do say something because you can only be polite so long--so many times. A few weeks ago, I told a gentleman in the library who was telling me about Jesus' miraculous healing powers that I wouldn't accept a cure even if given a choice because I am exactly how God wanted me to be (also I wouldn't be nearly as cool). I have confidence with disability. A confidence I don't have with pregnancy, maybe because I am a new member. As expecting mothers especially, we are expected to be excited, happy, positive, and instantly connected to our baby. We are told motherhood will come naturally.
I call BS.
I raise my may hand to the air and say, "I am absolutely struggling with paranoia and anxiety, my first trimester was at times a nightmare (but I still loved my baby), and I have no idea which nipple cream to buy, so forget you pregnancy culture and your rapid judgment. I say it's okay be miserable, even bitter, and it is absolutely okay to be afraid and lost."
When I called the Women's Clinic to schedule my first prenatal visit I told the receptionist, "I'm pregnant and I don't know what I'm doing." The receptionist gave a soft chuckle and reassured me it was okay. Several weeks later, I think she's right. Being pregnant is still scary, but then I remember no one else knows what the heck they're doing either and that countless other women have done it before me. Countless other parents have felt just as unsure as I have. We're still fantastic individuals.
1 I still highly recommend using a legitimate pregnancy test, which we did following the OPK test. Everyone is different, so hormone levels will differ and results from an OPK test may not be accurate.↩
You rock. I thoroughly enjoy you and your writing! I can’t wait to see you and your baby non-dinosaur make this journey. Best thing I’ve ever done with my life!
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